8 Tips When Negotiating With Your Children

Negotiation is the best way to find a peaceful solution to a conflict. Negotiating with your children is a healthy practice that helps them reach the agreements they need to feel comfortable and strengthen their family ties based on respect.

Of course, negotiating with a 5 year old is not the same as negotiating with a teenager. As your children grow older and want to be more independent, the art of negotiation takes on more complex edges.

Negotiating with your children: an effective tool

Negotiating means reaching agreements, based on family rules and the particular interests of children, which undoubtedly change as they grow older.

To negotiate with your young children, you will surely have greater control of the demands that you need your children to meet. When they are already teenagers, the negotiation will imply giving up positions, without anyone, neither the children nor the parents, feeling victorious  or defeated.

Negotiate while they are children

Although the dreaded 2- to 5-year-old tantrums put us to the test, they are a situation from which we can succeed in the process of helping our children manage their emotions. The first three tips are inspired by the proposal that the psychologist Rosa Jové exposes in her book La crianza feliz .

As children grow and acquire more skills in controlling their emotions, the three steps defined by Jové will continue to be useful. These allow there to be a balance between the firmness of the parents when proposing their demands and the sensitivity and interest they must have towards the child’s position.

1. Understand their feelings

Regardless of whether the child is 3 or 10 years old, when you empathize with your child’s needs, you  achieve better communication and it is possible to better get along with your demands and demands.

If a child is upset because he does not want to do his homework, ask him if he is tired, how was that day at school … So you can recognize what state he is in and you can empathize with the feelings that overwhelm him.

2. Educate and explain what you expect

Teach your child what is the importance of what you ask or demand and what are the reasons that motivate you. In this way you educate your children, you teach them the value of the rules and the importance of complying with what corresponds to them.

Continuing with the previous example, educate your child on the importance of fulfilling his homework. Teach him what his responsibilities are and explain why it is best to get assignments done on time, before leaving it to the last minute.

3. Let him choose his own option or solution

Raising with affection and respect involves negotiating with your children. Parents who, after being affectionate and empathetic, explain their reasons and exercise moderate control over the options they offer their children, will surely achieve much more than the little one. At the same time, they  nurture their independence and cultivate respect.

To close the previous example: offer your child two alternatives, or do the homework at once so that later you can go out to play, or take a half-hour break and then complete his homework.

Negotiate when they reach adolescence

When adolescence arrives, of course the negotiation changes. Your children begin to use their autonomy and, obviously, there will be clashes with the rules and responsibilities of the family.

Negotiating with your teenagers is more demanding. It will involve a reformulation or combination of the three preceding steps, depending on the 4 tips that we offer you.

4. Listen to their reasons

Even if you disagree with his approaches, you should give him the opportunity to express his ideas. Avoid interrupting him even if you dislike what you hear. Of course, you should also avoid judging him, and even less lecturing him: this is not the time. It is your turn to listen.

To open the communication channels you have to encourage him to give his explanations and give him the time he needs to develop his approaches.

5. Explain your ideas without assuming positions of superiority

Forget phrases like “when I was your age …” or “what you have to do is …” . To negotiate with your children you have to be at a symmetrical level in order to facilitate the dialogue. Reconcile with phrases such as “what is it that worries you?” or “I would like to hear your opinion about …”.

After hearing your child’s reasons, explain yours, without losing your cool or imposing your position. You don’t need to negotiate sitting across from each other; Giving yourself freedom of movement can make the exchange easier.

6. Take care of the environment and the time of the negotiation

To negotiate with your children, you must have the environment and the frame of mind conducive to dialogue. Try to be rested for the negotiation; If you come from a tense day at work, you can turn the negotiation into a war and with that no agreement will be reached.

Ideally, you can talk alone with your child, without the presence of siblings or even your partner. Your child will feel more comfortable negotiating with one of his parents than with both, since he would be at a disadvantage. Take the time you need and avoid interruptions (turn off cell phones).

7. Remember that you are the adult

Never disrespect your child, even if he did it to you. Be a role model. If the negotiation is getting too sour it is better to stop the conversation and postpone it until the next day.

There is no point in attempting dialogue if tempers are heated. Take care of your vocabulary and your tone of voice, as they are two key tools to help you keep control of the situation. The negotiation is conducted by you ; you are the one who takes the first step, precisely because you are the adult.

8. Reach agreements and respect them

Respect for the agreements that are reached will mark the success of the negotiation. The agreements have to be satisfactory for both of you. You must also establish what are the consequences of breaking the agreements.

Encourage your child to propose agreements, not only to provide solutions but also to establish for himself what he is going to give in to attend to your explanations. In the same way, you too will give in, to achieve an agreement that satisfies both of you.

Final reflection

It is important that both parties agree to comply with the agreements reached when negotiating. If your child does not do his part, you cannot be flexible in applying the agreed consequences. If you do not comply with the agreement, you will lose the respect of your son.

In cases where the negotiation is stuck (the adolescent has a defiant attitude that can cause you to lose self-control), ask your partner to participate as a mediator. If this is not enough and the intensity of the debate heats up, it may be necessary to mediate another family member, a teacher or a psychology professional.